I feel so groggy and sleepy now, thanks to the late night yesterday and having to wake up early to meet up with T12 people to plan our English lessons in Cambodia!

Yes indeed, Cambodia is but only 2 days away. I don't know anyone that well, and since one whole class is coming along with us, there's that whole cliquish thing again. But, meeting up with them today was quite alright, they are pretty nice girls and I think it would be fun hanging out with them. Well, it would indeed be a whole new experience that not only asks for me to step out of my comfortable home or 'hotel life' when I am overseas, it also requires me to step out of my comfortable spot in which my friends are always with me, and to make new ones! Plus, it means not seeing my family for 10 days while I am in Cambodia, and then having to wait for another 7 days before they FINALLY come home to me from faraway Australia.

'What Marvels The Lord Has Worked For Us!' Indeed! I thought the theme was very apt, especially to the Gift Bearers! Its a miracle how we are still around for 2 years, with an inexperienced leader, and 5 other young girls, all not knowing where we are going, not knowing our purpose, not knowing what lies ahead. But, thanks to God, we are still existing and going strong. Sitting with them at the table yesterday was a blast. The young ones were W-I-L-D. The older ones, were less so, but we all had an enjoyable time. We got up there on stage and embarrassed ourselves together, sang together, danced together, got crazy together, indeed, I think we have become a Ministry-Community! For all those who laughed at our goal of forming Community, here's a BIG HAH! at you. Afterall, nothing is impossible with God.

And I think it is important to thank every one of the Gift Bearers, who stuck to the group and faithfully did their duties week after week, especially my dedicated committee, the parents for their undying support and for always keeping a look- out for us, the priests as well, Constance for guiding me and us when we were lost, Shawn for also being with us in our cradle years, Father Gerard Weerakoon, and all those who have helped out in one way or another! Last but no least, God, for without Him, everything would have collapsed! Without any of you, there would be no Gift Bearers at all!

Looking back, yes, I would say, indeed we are blessed.

And thanks Marcus for bringing us all to Expo yesterday! We are truly grateful!
All I can say is, I'm terribly sorry.

If we only met a year later right?

Maybe the best route is, we walk together,

as best friends. for now.

And I'm really glad that you're putting this whole relationship into God's hands. :)

If it's God's will....

We'll see it in a year or so. :)
Confidence boosters- that's what I need.

Today marks the start of Triduum! I'm rather excited- there's something to look forward to every night! Plus, our item at the dinner is gonna be such a blast! We're entering with smookeeee.... That's pretty awesome!

Okay going back to do some reading.

Thanks Yong for everything. For talking me through things and making me see a little more of what I am. Yes, I guess I'm more than I ever thought I was.

The start of a healing process.
Just got back.

Its nice being 'the other'.

4 days of experiencing exclusivity.

1 day of suffocation.

But 3 full days of a little meaningfulness.

Workaholic?

Yes definitely.

Only because to tune it out.

Was the trip impactful?

No. I still felt like that spoilt child working only for a holiday.

I should stop being a Martha and start being a Mary.

But how to when they don't let you be yourself around them?

Yes indeed you can't.

I can't wait to go back to church, and feel like myself again.
Yes indeed, Gift Bearers first ever camp was a heart-to-heart time with my few best friends. Well, yes, I probably never told them they were my best friends- neither have I ever admitted it to myself (considering I'm really careful to label my friends), and I just loved it. There's always this comfortable air hanging around all of us (like Amarise 'Yuck' says) and you know you can share just anything with them, without being judged, and even if they give you weird faces - you know they love you all the same. And you know when you are with them, its like this overflowing love that is just shared between all, and it just feels like God is always around us. It was a time of Reconciliation with God, and then reconciling with each other with the 'washing of feet', and then also reconciling with ourselves and being more aware of our God-given gifts. It was a rather teary day for the first day, but all in all, a really good enjoyable God-filled experience.

The second day was tiring but wonderful. With 19 hyperactive young kids to take care of, 4 voices and 4 tired slightly older girls, the situation was rather chaotic at times. But the girls enjoyed it thoroughly- all of them made friends (even the new ones that joined us), all had fun with games, all sang their hearts out as we praised and worshipped God together, and all tried really hard to keep awake during mass.

And the girls were terribly sweet, their sincere thanks to us really warmed my heart, it made all the planning, all the shouting and the frustrations, all worth it.

The things we learnt:
1) The importance of Affirmation
2) The languages of love: nice words, hugs, gifts, quality time...
3) How God really works everything out for us!

Yes, How God really works everything out for us! What Aunt Rose calls lucky, I call God's doing. It was really amazing to watch it all fall into place. I forgot to coordinate with Aunty Betty regarding the rooms and the canteen( I thought we just had to inform the Father only), the projector although we managed to borrow it, was not able to connect with the Mac because I didn't have the connector,but the Mac was big enough for all the girls, WOW Productions came half an hour late but we were able to replace it with something else, we didn't manage to get snacks in time, and at just one request, a parent came in with an overflowing number of snacks for the girls (which they all finished up in one gulp, sorry for the late lunch girls), the dinner didn't seem enough and yet, everyone had their fill, Mariel didn't bring the keyboard along, and Cheryl-Anne came in with hers, and there are just so many more- yet never once did we panic, somehow, we all knew everything would work out smoothly, and it did. =)

Now that camp is over, there seems like there's a lot more things to do. A lot more things to 'worry' about. But I know, each time there is something to 'worry' about, I would stop and 'Be still', because I know no matter what, God will always be there for me, for us. And even if we do fall, He's always gonna be there to catch us and pick us up.

So a new list of things to do:
1) Get the item ready for the 50th anni dinner
2) Find a banner!
3) A Christmas Programme
4) Triduum
5) GB Board
6) The programme for 2010
7) A new leader

Leaving for Batam, please pray for us!
12 Nov, 1992.

A crying baby,
one new mother,
one new father,
one family.

Sleepless nights,
17 years of working hard to provide for me,
17 years of tolerating my nonsense.

So on this day,
I'd really like to thank you Mum and Dad, for giving me the gift of life.
For providing for me, and tolerating all my rubbish,
For not letting me die a few days after I was born,
For caring well for me,
Just... for being awesome parents!

I jogged all the way up to church (through the back way) and walked all the way down, in half an hour! I feel so proud of myself now. ;D

Thanks to those who wished me so early in the morning, and just for remembering my presence! You all are awesome! =)

Yay and I don't have to cancel with the Vics anymore! Din Tai Fung, brace yourself for the Vic3s. ;D
Wednesday=
1. Run-walking the whole of Serangoon Gardens, and then to Yio Chu Kang to get Paint. and then, walking back.
Thanks Mariel for making it less painful.
2. Taking a bus to AMK HUB to buy cookies because the pathetic NTUC here does not have Betty Crockers and Cold Storage priced it $1.40 higher than NTUC.
3. Carrying the 'groceries' back home, heavy heavy.
4. Baking my whole afternoon away. Mixing, Cutting the wrappers, packaging it with string. Thanks for a little help- aunty, Max, Emmy.
5. Feeling sick and terribly shagged after that whole session of baking (5 hours)
6. Sleeping for a while
7. Not going for meeting =( Sorry girls
8. Eating Dinner
9. Throwing up
10. Doing GB stuff
11. Bracing myself for fever on my birthday tomorrow and cancelling with the Vics, again. =(
12. And praying VERY HARD THAT I WILL NOT GET SICK BECAUSE CAMP IS ON FRIDAY. UGH!

So beautiful Wednesday, gone in a flash.

Feeling cold, is it just me?
After having a certain discussion today, I was left feeling rather disgruntled and disturbed. Suddenly, the whole world just seemed upside down. It sparked a rather godless feeling in me, probably how D.H.Lawrence described it in Bohemian London. It felt like death. I never felt this way before, how suddenly, all your beliefs were put into question, and it really felt like God was not present. It was not just the desert, even in the desert, you knew he was there. This time, there was something more, it was like he disappeared from the face of the earth altogether.

It really feels like death. Its like, living without a purpose. Without a meaning.

Mum says not to be affected by what he says. But how can I not be?

The stare, the look, the accusation....

of sounding like a non-believer.

Is this how its supposed to be?

But what is faith?

What is honour?

What is love?

What does it mean to believe?

Whatever you say, I know I'm not dillusional, I know He is present, still, I know He is real.